Hello there!
My name's Paul. I'm a Programmer, and Web/Graphic Designer. I do all sorts of work online, and websites happen to be one of the main areas right now.
I work with PHP and MySQL just about every single day, so I'm well knowledgeable of the two.
HTML comes as natural as my native language, and everything in between such as CSS, Javascript, jQuery and all that - I know my stuff! :-)
If you wanted to take a look at some of my sample work, you could Google my Freelancer name, or simply type in provneyko and dot com.
But I know of The Onion, and I read through your post to see what exactly you wanted done, and I'm very positive I can help you achieve this goal.
So I look forward to hearing back from you!
Thank you in advance,
Paul